cues
last week i was feeling pretty down. what will happen is i’ll be bummed for a while and i won’t even realize it until days have passed and then all of a sudden i’m like, ohhhh, i’m just depressed. ok how do i handle this?
even after acknowledging it it can be hard to vocalize. if i’m not completely sure of what i’m afraid of or what’s been bothering me, how can i solve it? it takes a while for me to communicate it to others and even getting it out it can feel like a struggle. but when i finally let it out it feels like such a relief and i wonder what was standing in the way.
last week i had been holding it in, trying to deal with more than i could. then after fighting it, i just let it out and cried for like, the first time in a while, and it felt really good. i wasn’t embarrassed. just kinda… spent. it was out and i felt better.
soon after, a friend saw the look on my face as i entered the room and could tell right away before i even said anything. it makes me wonder why i try to keep a brave face all the time.
later that night this person said, “performers are good to hang out with; we know our cues.”
that’s stayed with me and it makes me want to be more on top of things. it’s always hard to know when to enter or leave, what to say. maybe i’m feeling that more now since the majority of my time is spent in others’s spaces. sometimes i feel nothing but love for those i’m with and want to show it or explain it, but i’m silent. sometimes i even push people away because it’s too uncomfortable to do anything else.
all this time i’m thinking what are we going to create by being in this space together? sometimes it’s too scary to be that close. but at the end, when i haven’t done anything it feels unsatisfactory. yet it is so easy to repeat and repeat and repeat.
so what is next? sure, the next encounter will be short, but that moment will never happen again. there’s a desire for things to be different, yet the safety in what we know. are there more cues to learn? or better yet, ones we have to create?
