better part 1
there have been two very cool things i’ve found about being really sick.
1. when i am feeling better i am very grateful.
2. i get to watch tons of movies, my first love.
onto number 1, number 2 in the next post.
i am not the most pleasant person when i am ill. part of it is the fatigue and if i’m in physical pain i’m really not good at handling it. emotional pain is a bit different and i’m just like, eh at least this can fuel my “art” (whatever the hell that is that week), but physical pain, man. not cool.
i had a pretty serious sinus infection. i’ve always had bad allergies and used to get allergy shots, so there was some kind of bad combination between catching a cold and allergies and overdoing it. it was unpleasant and i felt an extreme pain on one side of my face and had trouble breathing. also, i, (maybe) like most people hate asking for help. but then it got really bad and i was like, i can not fuckin handle this.
there were some nice folks crashing at the place i’m catsitting for and they must’ve thought i was a zombie because i could barely stand to get up for a drink of water let alone talk to them about their lives and where they were from and connect, which is what i usually would want to do.
my insurance-less self needed to get seen and of course all this got really bad on Dec 24 and by the 25th I was like, arghhhh. it’s unfortunate to get sick, especially if it falls on or around a holiday, that depending on how you look at it, may or may not be made up. So the 25 and 26th callen-lorde was closed, so i ended up going to another clinic that was open the 26th.
it was my first time there so they had to get my background. my entire medical background. which i don’t think is that extensive, but the doctor who saw me said it was. and i was like, uh alright, sure. she asked about surgeries i’d had and i asked since when? and she says your entire life. and i’m like, eee. ok.
so i start off when i was a kid and had two operations on my eyes. there was definitely one i remember very well because it scared the shit out of me. and i think maybe a follow up. i was in second grade and i got a rainbow brite keychain from the surgeon. it was pretty cool because i loved rainbow brite. i don’t think i had any keys at that point, but it was a nice gift nonetheless.
the eye-talk helped because while at the clinic i was also wearing my glasses which i very rarely wear in public due to a) still haven’t gotten over the years of being teased for wearing them (maybe these bad memories will end when i’m 30?) and b) not haven’t gotten a new pair in 5+ years for myriad reasons, although burgess meredith in the twilight zone is a constantly in the back of my mind.
anyway, i casually mention i had a double mastectomy in 2008. and she asks why and then… here we go.
i have no problem with going into detail about it, talking about my decision, philosophy, sociology, answering questions, even teaching people. sure, why not? we could all teach each other a lot. but at the time i just wanted my fucking sinuses to stop hurting.
i answer briefly (one sentence) and that’s that.
granted, the doctor didn’t ask any questions that i would think were out of the ordinary, but i still wondered if it the follow up questions were in someway now loaded if she was curious. or maybe it was my own paranoia?
she asked if i’d had more surgeries after i’d finished answering her question. maybe she wanted to know about bottom surgery (which seems to be many people’s next question). or maybe she would’ve asked that anyway. i was like, “Uh, no.”
she asked when i got my last period, and i was like, uhhh June 2008. which actually is great because when doctors used to ask me that i’d always forget and have to guess, i was always bad at keepin track at when i got it and when i should expect it. now i remember for sure the last time i got it.* it was at improv camp which i thought was pretty funny because there were all these coming-of-age books (or at east there should be) about getting your first period at camp and i got my last one there. ha-HA! sometimes things just work out in reverse.
she asked if i was sexually active and then asked with which gender. i wanted more options but i said yes to the two that were offered.
she was nice and everything was fine and i’m feelin better.
so how does this all make me feel better now? aside from uhhh actually feeling better? when i was sick my head was full of so many negative thoughts and i was so angry. i tried calling a good friend to talk and was just grumpy for the entire call. i was pissed at myself for getting sick and not being able to take are of myself better when i was sick. i was angry becausei felt alone although i didn’t hae it in me to leave the apartment. the list goes on.
i guess it just further proves for me anyway, when i feel bad about myself i’m mad at pretty much everyone and everything, regardless of what’s going on. and if it’s true for physically, i’m sure the same for emotionally as well.
*there’s another story here but i’m not putting footnotes on a blog entry.
