“no one can tell me what i’m doin wrong.”
i know a lot of folks who are going through a rough time right now so hopefully if this post finds you it will help. brooklyn bagel has finally started playing a new genre of music, which is great, one thing to be happy for. any change is good. and it will come, no matter how much you think you are doomed to listen to the same mediocre songs over and over and over.
sometimes i just want to make everyone around me happy, or at least take their pain away. and this is the kind of weird journal entry - and now, well it’s different because as i write this with the intent of posting it i realize most people who know me may see it. and what is something i can say that everyone can see? although i feel nothing but love for everyone in my life, there are the differences in how i treat people and i hope to change that.
why do i feel like it’s ok to open up to some people but not others? why do i avoid people i looooove or you know, people i don’t want to not avoid? i would like it to be the same for everyone, not just friends but everyone i encounter on the street or wherever i am. i realize it’s survival, sometimes you just have to be not as kind as you’d like in order to survive the moment, because opening up would hurt too much.
something i’ve come to realize almost too late is that we’re all alone. and i guess i always just used to feel like it was only me against the world, tupac style. but if we’re all alone in our bodies and in this world alone, well maybe we should work on being together more, rather than drowning in our own feelings of isolation?
i try not to regret anything and i realize if anything were different there is no guarantee of where i would be (alive, breathing, warm, well-fed, listening to simon & garfunkel, at brooklyn bagel). but the moments that go over in my head are when i was not as kind to people as i would have liked to have been. for some reason maybe freezing up, getting nervous in social situations, sometimes i just can’t handle myself. i hate goodbyes. and sometimes it’s just holding back because it’s too hard to be vulnerable. if i’m pulling away, it’s because i’m afraid. i’m assuming this is true for others, yeah? sometimes i guess i’m not always aware of it.
what sucks so much is that everywhere people *look* so confident, but then i find with most people i’ve talked to people say they feel insecure and unsure. and if most of us feel that way and can admit it, then what the fuck are we doing pretending like we’re not??
here’s a anecdote that doesn’t have much to do with anything but maybe calls into question how we’ve been trained to deal with each other: recently a friend walked in on me uhh well involved in something that would not be shown on tv. maybe cable? yeah, cable. and someone asked later if i was embarrassed. and i was like, no! of course not! this was a good thing!
1) information should be free and available to everyone
every day i wake up things have gotten maybe a bit better because we’re all more connected, but our ideas about being ashamed of ourselves and our bodies. ridiculous.
i’m fuckin tired of it!!!!
i’m also tired of james taylor (really, brooklyn bagel?? a third one?) but he was just trying to give his love to the world so whatever.
anyway, this is totally all over the place, but yeah i am ready for things to change. i know i’m totally preaching to a huge choir, but obviously the choir isn’t huge enough because we’re still taught there is something wrong or bad about nudity and or sex. well fuck, man. it’s sold to us in ads, then denied to us.
it’s like evolution made a very weird turn and we’ve started repressing everything that is natural, and embraced this fake way of being. yes, it’s the only way i’ve known how to survive, but i’m finding there are alternatives. if it’s possible to live this way, then what else?
i spent the first 27+ years of my life thinking i had to be a “girl,” the next year thinking i had to be a “guy” and now i’m just like, fuck both those, and embrace both those. i just want to survive and be loved. until we stop treating people differently based on the bodies they’re born into, there’s never going to be equality for anyone and everyone is going to suffer.
i feel conflicted about myself a lot. what do i want/need? what do i hope to say? what do i hope to achieve through writing and getting on stage and just being alive? i don’t know! i’m unsure of myself sometimes, but it seems the less i follow the “rules,” the happier i am. i try not to be a jerk and hurt anyone. so my point? well, don’t be afraid to do whatever the fuck you need to in order to survive and make you happy (without directly hurting others). because not enough of us are. and people who love you (and i am one of these people) will love you no matter what.
oh here’s a quote to end on “no one can tell me what i’m doin wrong.” thanks, james.
