I will have the things that I desire
At the beginning of Week 2.
There is so much to take in and process, yet at the same time I am just fine with being in the moment.
It’s a weird feeling wanting to somehow write it all out, release it from my mind, share what I’ve experienced, and record things I would have otherwise forgotten.
I still feel like I’ve been out of New York for an extended period of time.
When I was in CA and NM in July it sped by so quickly, but these days are longer, more intense, unpredictable.
It’s weird the stories I feel the need to keep on telling. Maybe the more times you say it, the more people who hear it the closer you get to being able to move on.
But right now I have a headache and I don’t know where to begin.
There are those movies/plays (I’m more familiar with movies though to be honest, years of studying theater be damned) where everything comes to a head over the course of one day. The protagonist is different from the person they were at the start of the day.
I feel like I’m in the middle of that, but this one day is, like, 8 days.
This afternoon I ran shirtless through Macarthur Park (but apparently not the Macarthur Park with the rain cake). And again i was like, how the hell did I get here?
We are sitting in a coffee shop and I’ve met a lot of Penelope (our gracious host)’s friends who are very friendly and very cute and I feel very comfortable and very safe. If I can feel safe in a new town with new people, well then why should I ever feel unsafe?
Aside from a headache and the booming football game that is blaring on the radio (when we came in they were playing The Kinks), things are great.
The one thing that’s been coming up is sometimes wanting to be somewhere else. And it has nothing to do with where I am, because I am very happy to be here, I can not express that more. But more like, feeling like I miss people in my life and I would like to be with them, too.
It’s frustrating and I’m trying to figure out how to get past these feelings, because they come up every now and then. During my freak out last Saturday I thought about the things that made me upset that I was not in New York and I figured out what they represented and how I could get what I wanted from those situations without being there.
So now it comes up of wanting to tell people I miss them and love them, which I do all the time, but sometimes it doesn’t feel like enough. And there still is the fear of being too nice to people, a vulnerability I suppose. Thinking back to unrequited crushes and feeling ashamed. I hate that it works out like that - feeling negatively because the love I feel isn’t returned or at least not returned in the way I’d like.
I’d love to live more fearlessly. And to not care if I don’t get back what I put in.
