how we’re seen
curious to hear folk’s thoughts on this…
something i was not quite prepared for would be if and when to come out, and as i keep on meeting people this constantly goes through my mind.
i’ve been in a new class for a few weeks and while i haven’t actively come out, there are a few people who do know. part of me feels unsettled for not being out, yet sometimes it’s nice to not think about. but i have yet to go a full day where i don’t think about gender.
we’re all meeting each other again and again. we’re together in these moments. we bring our pasts, our experiences, it all comes together and we’re supposed to make sense of being in the same place as each other. what do we want to get out of it? understanding and love for me, i guess.
how we treat each other, what we reveal, what we want to reveal, the risk involved with saying what you’re thinking. part of me feels i want to be more open, but there’s always the when and how and there’s no reason why i would ever have to bring it up except to perhaps promote more understanding.
i had a couple interesting conversations with some friends over the last couple days. i mean, i have good conversations with people often, but these were about gender and improv and it was just intriguing to hear their perspectives.
one was with a male-bodied person who had said at the time (years ago) it would have been hard for them to see me playing a male character because of my breasts. in improv we have the freedom to play anyone (gender, age, body type, the list goes on), yet somehow because of how my body looked at the time according to them i was unable to be seen as someone of a different gender.
in a different conversation I spoke to a female-bodied friend and everything they said about their experience i could identify with. just wanting to be a performer, and not have the body they were in change how they were treated. and there’s the part of me that feels guilty although i know i should not. it’s not that difficulties and challenges have disappeared with improv, but they have changed.
in scenes now if i’m with someone who says something misogynistic, all i can do is reply from a feminist perspective. will the words i say sound different because they hear it and identify it as coming from a “male” perspective? even though these would be the same words i would say before?
i still have difficulty playing “female” characters and i look forward to the day that changes.
i will say it’s awesome to be seen as a gay male when i’m hitting on a male person.
i remember years ago trying to play a gay male. we had to do character monologues and i gave myself a male name and people heard a female version of the name. because maybe it was easier for them to see a female person being attracted to a man, instead of a man being attracted to another man.
i start a new class tonight, not sure if i’ll know anyone in there. and again i will see where this goes and how i will try to connect with people, reach an understanding. if i’m lucky enough to be with female-bodied performers (or others who feel they are judged on their bodies), will i be able to communicate that i do know what that’s like? or just keep it to myself. and is it backwards for me to assume that they might experience what i and many of my friends have??
